I'm back.

Well hey there!

I used to write this blog as a break from work (whoops...) as well as an opportunity to tell a story about something relevant and often annoying that had been going on in my life and that I hopefully had learned a valuable lesson from. This time, as I start up my blog again, I'm not going to hold myself to the same standards - I won't be creating a story out of each post. That doesn't mean at all that I have a plan for what my blog will now become, and that also doesn't mean that there won't be times that I want to write a detailed, drawn out story about this one time I found my foot in a bar's toilet (because I will). This only means that I'm giving myself less strict guidelines about which to write, and therefore hopefully allowing myself to expand what this blog is and means to me.

For now, I'm going to keep it short. Since I wrote last, I've moved to Baltimore, started a new job, and just ran my first marathon (Bank of America Chicago Marathon, October 9, 2011). I like the east coast, but I miss Chicago. I'm already excited about Starbucks' red cups and when everything starts feeling "cozy." 

 

 

 

Now that I'm basically settled in Baltimore, I'm going to make it my goal to blog regularly again.

Anyway, I should try and be productive. It's good to see you all again!

I may or may not have dropped the ball

Oh my shit. Am I alive? I seriously apologize for my lack of blogospheric presence these past few months. I'll call it like it is: I've been going through a post-graduate-existential-crisis. And I've been traveling. Oh, and working like a dog. I'll run down a list of some quick updates and then leave you with a look at the next few months (because today is too nice to spend hours on my laptop - thanks for nothin', Chicago).

1. I got a Twitter. And I am ob-freaking-sessed. I initially got it because I wanted to follow AmIRightLadies and Sprinkles Cupcakes....embarrassing? Or genius, when you realize that they give out a free cupcake everyday if you whisper a secret phrase to them that they only post on their twitter. Just sayin'.

2. I went on a vacation with my friend to Washington, DC and New York. It was, in one obnoxiously tool-ish word, epic. Visiting one of my closest friends from high school who lives with one of my closest friends from college in their adorable apartmet in the adorable city of Georgetown was... yeah I'll say it, adorable. New York was like nothing I'd ever seen before. It reminded me of "A Chorus Line" with every fiber in my secretly-loves-musicals-being. But even though I think I did and saw so much, even making time to go to the Kardashian's store DASH... I still have to go back. Just some small things I may have missed. Like the Statue of Liberty.

3. Work has been kicking my butt these past two months. We work weekends, we work overtime, we laugh, we (I?) cry. It sounds bad, but I love it. Cheesy, I know. But isn't that the goal?

The next few months I'm looking at more running (outside), more traveling (Michigan, Utah, and San Francisco (holler!) are all on the agenda so far), more friends home from school, more blogging (I promise), and more ...shopping. Probably. Okay definitely. And sprinkle in some application writing here and there. But that's a story for another day.

Love to everyone near and far.

And that's how it's done, sweetheart.

Last weekend I saw the movie Country Strong… and I’m still thinking about it.

I don’t know if it was the super hot cowboy Garrett Hedlund, the fact that I secretly love Leighton Meester and Gwyneth Paltrow, or my newfound (since summer 2010) love of Country music that made me fall in love with this movie, but the fact is that despite the literal storyline, I left the movie feeling great, inspired, and connected to myself.

Perhaps it’s that recently things have been going pretty well, though I don’t want to jinx it. It’s not that my life day-to-day is incredibly exciting, but I think it’s the fact that I haven’t had, err, a mini-crisis in a while. It seems to be smooth sailing for now.

Again, I really don’t want to jinx it.

Most of me doesn’t want to credit a chick flick drama to my renewed sense of self-worth and independence, but what the hell. Why not? I left the theater feeling like I could do anything I wanted, feeling like I didn’t need anyone but myself to do the things in my life I have only dreamed of, and that I was enough. For anything. I know it’s ridiculous, but hear me out.

As most all of you know, I studied abroad in Scotland. And hated it. It felt like there were obstacles at every step of the way, and I honestly didn’t know what I was getting myself into. For those of you who don’t know the intimate details (and I’ll spare you the hour-long anti-Scotland rant that this could very well turn into), I’ll give a quick anecdote: my luggage, which included all of my shoes, clothes, and technology, was lost on the flight over. Coincidentally, that first weekend that we arrived, our Scotland-Pomona-leader led us on a four-mile hike through fields. In the rain.

I hiked in slippers.

After that, and combined with the never-ending yearning I had when I was at school to be at home in Chicago, I wrote myself off as someone who couldn’t travel, couldn’t make it on her own, needed my family-lifeline to survive anywhere I was, doing anything. I wrote myself off, essentially, as someone who had failed. As someone who could do nothing on her own. I lost all faith in myself.

And for some reason, I don’t feel that way anymore. I feel completely the opposite. All of a sudden, my future doesn’t seem so scary. I still don’t know exactly what I want to do in my life, but I have a pretty good idea of the type of schooling I’d like to get and what careers it would present to me. I know I’d like to go to school in or near Chicago so that I don’t have to go through the painful process of leaving my friends again after graduation. I know that I want to help people directly and to feel like I’m making a difference in a person’s life in a face-to-face context. I want to enjoy my work but I don’t want it to define all of who I am. I’m so thankful that I started listening to myself before I got myself into a career I wasn’t sure about. I think I’d wake up ten years down the road feeling like I made a huge mistake, and then what?

Now, I’m only 23. Now, I can (still) really do anything that I want and chalk up any mistakes to “research” and “experimentation.” I’m not good at it yet, but I’m trying to listen to myself and what I want, instead of trying to please other people, which is the way I’ve lived my life until this point. In listening, I’ve let myself dream bigger than I ever have before, and it seems as though these dreams are not outside of my grasp. I know I’m being a little vague, but when these “dreams” formulate themselves into something more palpable, I’ll let you know.

I know I harp on the idea of transformation and finding yourself incessantly, but honestly that’s all I’m about right now. I feel like we have this selfish time where we have to answer to no one and we should, no holding back, milk it for all that it is. While I’m thankful for this opportunity to “find myself”, I know my current elation is temporary, just as I know my feelings of loneliness and hopelessness are temporary (though they seem so much more awful and permanent at the time). But I’m finding comfort in the small decisions I’m making that make me feel overall, at least in the present, happy.

"January 1st does nothing for me."

There's quite a hype surrounding New Years Eve. People start discussing plans in September and buy tickets as early as October. I can't walk into a store without seeing sparkley shoes and sequined... everything. Personally, I think it's a little overrated. There are always decent attempts to go all out, but I tend to forget that December 31st in Chicago can run as cold as -15 degrees, and - oh, that's right - I'm not down to pay $100+ to go stand around in a bar or a club that reminds me of something that should be on the Jersey Shore.

I don't mean to be a scrooge about the holiday at all (hehe)! In years past I have had wonderful New Years. I even spent one at a Castle (a girl can only be so lucky). I love getting together with my oldest friends and ringing in the next year with champagne and phat beats. And this year should be no different, except now we're all mostly home for good. Perhaps this will be the first of many New Years spent as "adults" in Chicago.

This year I decided I'm going to actually make legitimate New Years Resolutions instead of the standard "never eat sugar again" and "give up diet coke" goals that, honestly, are pretty near impossible for me. (Still trying to ditch the DC). No, this year I want to be more realistic and less superficial. Here's a running list of what I'd like to accomplish in 2011. As a coworker of mine says, it's a living document...

1. When I'm out, don't text people I'm not with.

Who CAN'T relate to this? And if you claim you've never done it, I know you're lying. Whether it be for good old fashioned booty or, as I've found myself doing, texting my old suitemates messages such as "i missss youuuu!!!11," we've all been there. Is it really necessary? Looking back, nothing good comes from either type of text - only poor decisions or pathetic misery, since I really can't make it to DC or SF with the click of a button. This resolution is really a reaction to the technology of this time that we live in. It's so easy to whip out that tiny computer in my purse and literally never stay in the present. It will be my goal for 2011 to remain where I am as much as possible.

2. Do more things that feel initially awkward, uncomfortable, or scary

This is a huge one. There's always been a moment for me between hearing about something that sounds mildly uncomfortable (but intriguing) and actually going through with whatever that is. It's easy to stay comfortable and make plans with the same people, go to the same bars, create a safe routine week after week, but when I think about critical moments in my life, most of them have been initially very scary to me. It's only once I get going, or even after the fact, that I appreciate how much these experiences shaped my view of the world and were actually the most monumental events in my life.

3. Don't waste my time on people who suck.

... Is that too harsh?

4. "Don't lose your edge." - Jay Rosenberg

As I look towards my first full year since I was 4 without schooling, I find it critically important to reflect on this quote spoken to me by my junior year AP English teacher, Mr. Rosenberg. He was one of those teachers you hear about as an underclassman - the legendary teacher who "terrorizes" their students, assigning heaps of homework and never giving As. And while this wasn't true, I never really appreciated him until after-the-fact. He was initially the most intimidating, scary, and most difficult grader that I've ever had (I believe my first semester final consisted of two essays: one I received a B+ on and the other a... D+.) But he was also funny, quick-witted, and inspiring. And he to this day remains the sole teacher who has pushed me the furthest and believed in me without waver.

I see how easy it could be to get comfortable. I like my job and I like my friends, and if I wanted to be a scientist forever there wouldn't be any incentive (except living at home) to change jobs or go back to school. But his words have stayed with me. I couldn't tell you what the context was or why he said them to me specifically, but I do know that they continually ring true and especially now, when it would be so easy to stop pushing myself and settle into a job I wasn't in love with in order to be able to fill my time afterwards and on the weekends with tempting distractions. I think, what Mr. Rosenberg meant when giving me a D+ (and similar grades on other occasions) wasn't because I was a D+ student, but because he never wanted us to get comfortable. He always knew we could be better than our previous best, and he wanted to leave that fire with us so it would fuel us through our senior year, college, and beyond. 

And to that, I say, Cheers to 2010. 

One of Those Days

It's pretty safe to say that for me, the first hour after I've woken up is pretty indicative of whether or not I'm going to have a good day. I usually like to wake up an hour before I leave the house, take my time getting ready, and watch a little Nip/Tuck. This morning, however, I thought it better to snooze and then turn off my alarm entirely. Good. Really. I woke up frantically at 6:12, forgot to brush my teeth (sorry.... everyone I've talked to today), and because I didn't have enough time to straighten my hair, have been dealing with a really rambunctious cowlick that has decided to flirt with the ceiling ever since.

Out of the house by 6:40 AM and only 10 minutes behind, I was proud of myself for making up so much time I had lost. That feeling of success was short-lived, though. As I hit the road, I assumed that since it was raining and not snowing, I didn't have to use four-wheel drive. My mother had even warned me last night about "Black Ice," a thing I obviously didn't believe. When my mother says things like that (i.e. "we can't get onto our internet because it's Sunday night and everyone is on their computers), without listening I immediately discredit it, giving it not another thought. Good idea Chels, because this morning I was literally less than a foot away from hitting a car almost as I got to work, and this was after beginning to brake with 5 car spaces in front of me. Thank God I didn't hit it. What a crappy way to start out the day THAT would have been.

Though I thought I was in the clear, I was not. When I parked, I grabbed my three (yeah, three) bags to bring from the car to the office and apparently was walking too hastily. When I stepped down one stair everything went to hell. My foot slipped out from under me, lunch bag went flying (and subsequently a banana that I had in one of my bags ended up rolling down the slight hill next to the stairs. It is.. still there), and I landed flat on my right hip. I was stunned. Isn't it the weirdest thing to fall? All of a sudden you're five feet four inches lower than you should be, and more often than not some point of impact is throbbing. I even laid there for a moment, contemplating whether or not that REALLY just happened, and that I'm REALLY going to be walking around for the next half hour with a large wet spot down the right side of my ass. All I could mutter aloud, though, was a defeated "God." To top it all off, one of my superiors was the only other person around! So that's cool. He's awkward, and all he said was "That was quite a fall." Nice bedside manner, though I don't think that's a managerial requirement.

Needless to say I'm glad today's "Friday."

All I Do is RunRunRun No Matter What

Things are changing. Yesterday was the first snow of the season. My grandmother is now on Facebook (hi, Grandma!) It’s almost 20-freaking-11.

On the one hand, work has been changing in a good way. I finally feel settled, and I’m being given actual work to do. On the slow days I take on the additional role of unofficial DJ in the lab, choosing Pandora stations such as “Radar” by Britney Spears or the incredibly inappropriate “Walk that Walk” by Durrough to rock out to. AKA pipette to. I feel like I’m making friends at work. Three months into the job and I feel like I belong. 

It’s the time after work that has been difficult.

I thought coming home to Chicago (err, the suburbs) would be enough. When I was at school I always counted the days until break, feeling that sense of relief when I got off the plane at O’Hare. It was friggin’ cold, but I was home. And therefore I was happy. The simple reason for this was relativity. At home, I had absolutely nothing to do. At school, I was under a constant and extreme amount of pressure that never let up. The only way to rid myself of it was to push through it. Study harder. Stay in on the weekends. Literally never sleep.

But things are different now. Regardless of my love for the windy city, I’m still at this loss for something to work towards, for something to feel connected to and to keep me motivated.

Two Fridays ago I arrived at work at my usual 7:15 AM. The first thing I noticed was a muffin sitting on my desk from my co-worker with a note, “Thanks for all your help these few weeks!” I was touched, and because I was surprised that she was already there, I joined her in the lab. Two hours later and without a break to sit down, our team met for our daily morning meeting. As the meeting progressed at a snail’s pace, I began to feel nauseous, overheated. I tried to shake out my legs and, not quite intelligently, do a wall-sit, but nothing was helping. I was blacking out. I turned to my coworker and blurted, “I’mdizzyIhavetoleave” and ran into the office to my desk. Not even relieving my legs worked, and as the lights grew dimmer I put my hands on my desk and my face on my keyboard and

Passed the F out.

Everything was black and my head was spinning. I couldn’t make out anything except blaring Lady Gaga, which was definitely not playing in our office. My head was throbbing when I came to, and lifting my head from the pool of drool on my keyboard I had to remind myself where I was: at work. And that I had just passed out. The thought that came next? I feel like shit, and I need food. So like a champ I scarfed the muffin still sitting on my desk in under 30 seconds.

I know fainting isn’t the biggest deal, and I’ve fainted before, but in those circumstances I had either been extremely dehydrated or had just had a nasty bout of food poisoning. This was different- I felt perfectly fine that morning and the dizziness came so instantaneously that it worried me.

I act like I don’t know why it happened, but I do. And I know I’m not alone in my actions. I’ve talked to countless friends who are doing exactly what I’m doing, and that’s a whole hell of a lot. When I started to really, truly realize that after work I was more or less alone and had nothing to do, I started to fill my time with anything and everything: gutting and cleaning out my room, running upwards of 7 miles, hauling ass an hour into the city for maybe a 45 minute get together. I’m moving. I’m running myself into the ground. Because if I don’t, I’ll face being alone and what comes along with that. That silence can be deafening.

Thanksgiving could not have come at a more perfect time. I saw friends (let’s call them family) who I haven’t seen since the summer, and it was the first time in months that I’ve felt deeply satisfied. I didn’t realize how much I needed that. I didn’t realize how much I missed Coop muffins and thesis-ing, putting up pictures in tandem, sitting in Lincoln Edmunds until 3 AM on a Friday with periodic 20 minute breaks to go to Walker. I missed diet cokes and the OO’s. I missed photobooth. It’s not what I was doing, but who I was with.

And just like that they were gone, and the work-week returned. This past week, however, when I again started to think (and worry) about that little thing called my future, I didn’t respond immediately. This time I sat with the feeling. I didn’t make excuses for it, didn’t silence it with television or music or running. I sat with that cacophonous, out of control feeling until it passed. Which, granted, took a G.D. three hours, but it finally did. And I’m glad I didn’t try a quick-fix remedy. I’m not about to put my body in jeopardy just because at the moment I’m in transition. Aren’t we all? This isn’t supposed to be easy, and neither is building a career or going to graduate school. I’ll never get anywhere if I run from every temporary moment of anxiety.

So now I think I’ll take it one step at a time. Maybe I shouldn’t attempt to figure out my entire future in one sitting. Maybe I should just be thankful that I’ve at least, once, stopped running and instead met the stillness head-on. 

Your Place or... my Parents'?

I'd go on record to say that living at home, in a suburb, where the closest thing to a night hotspot is the new Love's Yogurt that closes at a skanky 10 PM, would make anyone a special kind of desperate. I recently googled "word for someone who lives with their parents" and the first hit, via wikipedia, was Geek. Four down was "basement-dweller." Because all of the above pertains to me, I'd say I fall dangerously close to this desperation category. Last weekend I went to get gas and was strangely attracted to the attendant with a receding hairline. Today I returned a book to the Wilmette Public Library and was intrigued by a tall guy standing in the lobby. It was a cardboard cutout of George Washington.

Now I'm not dying to lock the next unsuspecting guy I see into a full-blown relationship. How would that even work? Dating a fellow suburbanite would consist of dodging parents and borrowing cars, and the alternative commute to the city almost makes that whole demographic of Chicagoans "long distance." But it's that I'm wondering whether or not I'm getting so out of practice, seeing people my age only on the weekends, that I've started to disregard anything that before that I held as a "standard."

I guess I began to question myself this past Saturday when I attended a Graduate Preview Day at a University in the city. I was late, having so standardly gotten lost, so I had to make my way to the front of the room to sit down, which was almost right up against the stage where a dozen student ambassadors sat. There was a student from every program represented, and not thirty seconds in I had already abandoned listening in favor of developing a crush. He rocked his trendy oversized nerd glasses well, but what really wooed me was his hairstyle a la Patrick Dempsey in "Can't Buy Me Love." After the program I caught sight of him leaving holding hands with another boy. Strike one for Chel.

But in the ill-fated words of Dane Cook, let's Tarantino it.

My jaunt into Dating in the Real World started, obviously, this summer, when I realized I would no longer be so nicely presented with 200 hand picked boys all conveniently within 1-2 years of my age. I spent my entire summer studying for the MCAT, which put a big ol' C-block on my romantic life. Even so, I managed to "meet" someone. Right when I got home from school I began studying, which required me to find a tutor. I googled, found someone compatible, and decided to meet her at a Starbucks near my house the following Tuesday. When that day arrived, I came a few minutes early so I could set out my things and order a coffee.

I want to quickly plug how much I like Starbucks (as if they need it). But seriously, how cute is their stuff? I'm so freaking girlie that I go nuts over their super expensy tumblers - right now I have my eye on the grande ceramic take-out cup and the-

"What can I get for you?"

I must have been day-dreaming, because apparently it was my turn to order and I had no idea what to get.

"Uhh... err... I... Yeah. Wait."

"Well, I was planning on leaving actually..." What? Who was this guy? I finally made eye contact with him, and noticed that he was tall, maybe about 25ish, and joking.

"I'llhaveatallskinnyvanillalattepleasethanks." And apparently, I also thought he was cute. He responded with something else, longer than a simple "that'll be $3 more than you'd like to pay", but I knew it was hopeless to try my witty reparte with him. This happens to me more often than I'd like. If I'm intimidated by, really, anyone, my face heats up, I make idiotic jokes that last way longer than they should and, worst of all, I become completely deaf. 

I've named it "The Magical Fluid."

It's pretty much one of the most evil handicaps. I'll be talking to someone, become mildly anxious, and by the time it's my turn to respond to whatever they've asked me my ears have closed up with the Magical Fluid and all I end up doing is standing there, wide-eyed, staring blankly, hoping they don't leave thinking I'm legitimately retarded.

So that's what happened that day with my Starbucks lover. And unfortunately, that's all that ever did. Things simply couldn't work out, as I wasn't able to respond to anything he said. Strike two.

Since then I've encountered guys who want to teach me how to dougie, guys who are too old and too far away, and guys who think it's cute to smash their hand in my face. REALLY?

Two weekends ago I went to a party at my friend's apartment in the city. I knew literally no one except for him, and noticing how awkward I felt he kindly chatted with me until he had introduced me to enough people that I could mingle on my own. This happened to occur coincidentally (or not?) when I found myself in a circle of people passing around a watermelon Four Loko. This shit was amazing, and as I passed it to the person on my right, I noticed across from me an Andrew Jenks look alike. Holler. We started chatting, but unfortunately my life with the dopple-ganger to the MTV D-List celebrity did not pan out either. A romantic three seconds into our conversation he casually mentioned to me that he would "not remember any of this tomorrow" because he was "rolling on so much E." Precious.

Attempting to date in the Real World mega-blows, but never giving up, I recently joined a soccer team on ChicagoSocial.com. I had to make a profile to do so and just received a friend request from a 42 year old italian man, "LAURENO." All caps. Super myspace-y. Super creepy.

Super accepted?